24. "D Needs to Prove He's a Good Guy" Lane

Right around this time, I decided to count my blessings again. While I was most grateful for my child, our health, and the fact that I could pay my bills and put food on our table, I was exceedingly grateful that the divorce was going so smoothly.

"Have you called a lawyer to represent you?" I'd ask.

"No, I trust you to do everything and to do it right," D would reply.

"We have to work out the parenting plan, to establish what nights you'll have her. Let's sit down and talk through these 18 outstanding points," I'd say.

"Okay," he would reply. And after I'd taken him through each one, he'd say, "They all sound great."

"I can't afford to and won't give you alimony," I'd say.

"Okay, I understand," he'd say.

"The state expects you to pay this much in child support every month," I'd say.

"Okay," he'd say. "When are you giving me half of your 401K again?"

Well, okay. Up until that last point - which came up a lot, and the answer was "not until after the divorce is final, so I can provide the financial firm with the divorce decree" - you can see that we had turned a corner in our conflict negotiation. We'd been on D Wins No Matter What Street so long, I nearly missed the hard right turn around D Screwed Up Big-Time Corner leading into to D Needs to Prove He's a Good Guy Lane. And now that I was there, I was planning on building a house there.

But all was not well. Even though the divorce was going easily and quickly - it appeared that the divorce process would last only four months - I was deeply hurt that D would be going to Cityville with Bellydancer a few days before Christmas. It just plain hurt, for the reasons I outlined in the last post. And it was clear to me that he really didn't get why I would be hurt.

So I tuned him out, as best I could. When he came over, I said please and thank you, but did not engage in conversation with him beyond questions related to Little One. I limited all contact as much as possible. It didn't matter: I could only think of the fact that he was choosing to go away with this whore the weekend before Christmas and give up time with Little One to do it, so fresh into our parenting plan adventures. And the worst part was that he seemed impervious to the emotional ramifications for me.

That’s where I kept getting caught in my thought process: he simply didn’t care about my feelings anymore.

But really, when had he ever? He would say he did, and he seemed to, sometimes. But other times he’d say horrible things and be terrible. Had that person really ever cared about me?

I wasn't not sure he ever had. He hated himself too much to really love anyone else. Or some other bullshit like that.

Whatever. The truth is, he just didn’t care about how I felt or what I felt anymore. I mean, it was clear that he hadn’t during this whole divorce process, although I guess if you count him “hiding” his relationship with the mother-whore, then sure, he must have cared. But I don’t really think he honestly cared about my feelings. He cared about getting caught and being called out on being the cad he is.

I was so, so disappointed in him. And I was disappointed in myself for loving him for so long and for buying his bullshit for years. He never really changed. He never really wanted the life he said he wanted. He rode my coattails for years, occasionally chipping in when he felt like it, but rather than get a job he told me I should just spend less.

I felt so much hate, so much anger about being betrayed - and it wasn't just that the divorce process had brought all this to light. No, with more time spent apart, I was starting to realize how much of my energy and life had been formerly dedicated to keeping D happy and to keeping the peace.

Man, but that asshole didn't deserve it. And oh, how I had tried.

So I reached out to Mr. Anonymous right after D told me about his little Cityville adventure coming up. Only, I reached out in a way I could feel good about:

From: Penelope <>
Sent: Friday, December 11,  9:45 AM
To: d_is_having_an_affair
Subject: This is (so not) difficult to say...

Hello again. I just wanted to let you know that I still appreciate you helping me to see the situation as it actually was, and not how it was being presented to me. It sparked a rather interesting and bumpy chain of events, the result of which is me getting the divorce my daughter and I deserve, so there was a lot of good that came out of it.

And the two people who caused this will now have each other to contend with.  I can't tell you how much that both annoys me and pleases me. More so the latter than the former, however.

Granted, I still don't officially know who you are. So there's not much I can specifically address. Regardless, I wanted to wish you well, and again express my gratitude for having the balls to tell me what the coward I'm divorcing could not. It made a world of difference.

Penelope

I needed to reach out and thank this person who had helped me to achieve my new plot of land on D Needs to Prove He's a Good Guy Lane. Because it appeared I'd be able to live there quite comfortably for some time. Granted, I knew that Mr. Anonymous's motives were selfish ones, but I really did think the balance with D had tipped in my favor as a result of Mr. A. And I wanted him to know that.

Interestingly, I didn't hear back for over a week. When I did hear back, Mr. Anonymous timed his response to coincide with the trip that his wife and my husband were embarking on.

From: anonymous [mailto:husbandishavinganaffair@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, December 18,  9:51 AM
To: Penelope
Subject: RE: This is (so not) difficult to say...

Penelope, I'm glad to know this was helpful to you. I struggled with whether or not to tell you. I did not want to meddle. But it was the right thing to do. I would have wanted someone to tell me.

It turns out that there is a chance you might have information that could help me. I wonder if we might set up a brief phone call sometime in the next couple weeks? I will be happy to confirm my identity then. Not trying to play games, it would just be easier that way.

The more vengeful part of my brain replied, Ah, interesting, Mr. Anonymous - your timing is impeccable, as you must know that I could not be happy about the impending trip. What's more, you want to talk, eh? Well, now. This could be fun.

The paranoid part, the larger part, said in big bold letters, THIS GUY IS FUCKING CREEPY AND YOU NEED TO STEER CLEAR OF HIM UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS DONE! RUN! RUN!!

So, I did what I had failed to do throughout most of my marriage: I put myself first:

From: "Penelope" <>
Date: Fri, 18 Dec  10:02:44 -0800
To: anonymous
Subject: RE: This is (so not) difficult to say...

Glad you wrote back. My interest is piqued, as is my curiosity. If I can, I would be happy to help you.

So - I will give you a qualified "yes," meaning that I'd be happy to talk to you on the phone, but can't really be sure what information I can and will share until I know who you are, and in what context you're asking. Strictly in the interest of protecting myself and the delicacies of my current situation - I hope you understand.

Does that work for you?