23. All I want for Christmas is his two front teeth

One of the saddest parts of our marriage, for me, was that we never did anything. Try as I might, I could not entice D to go anywhere with me for a nice weekend away. And where we live, there are plenty of majestic, fantastic places to visit. I wanted to take Little One on some little adventures. But every time I would try to broach the subject, I was told, "I don't feel like it. I have too much to do. [!] It's too expensive. I just want to stay at home."

So imagine my surprise when I heard this proclamation from D in early December:

"Just so you know, I'm going to be going out of town on the weekend before Christmas."

Now, dear reader, this is where the internet is oh-so-helpful. See, Sally Lee, Sally's bellydancer alter-ego, had a website, on which she listed her upcoming performances. And on this weekend in question, there was a performance listed at some sort of bellydancer conference (I kid you not) in a large city a few hours away from here. We'll call it Cityville.

So, my response was, "Oh, so you're going to Cityville?"

The shock on his face was instantaneous. He paled. "You - what - yeah, um." Eloquent as ever.

"Yeah, it's amazing what you can find on the internet these days," I said, not exactly letting him know how I knew. That just freaked him out even more.

"Let me get this straight," I continued. "You're actually going out of town - that's surprise number 1. Number 2 - you're leaving for four days, right before Christmas. 3 - you're going with Sally. And 4 - and I love this one - you're going to the same city where we had our Babymoon?" (This was the last trip he and I had taken together before Little One was born, and I was about 5 months pregnant.)

To his credit, he looked like he got it. "Yes," he said.

"Okay, then, have a good trip," I said. As I calmly shut the door behind him (regretting that I was too well-raised to slam it), I had to fight the tears, nausea, and anger, all welling up at the same time. Little One needed me, so it would have to wait. And so it did.

I poured the anger into research. What I needed to know was, did my state consider an agreement created via email to be a binding contract? I was checking because I wanted to make sure this damn bellydancer stayed away from my kid, since it was plain she was going to be around my husband for a while. And while D had been visiting his relatives for Thanksgiving, I had decided I was going to get EVERYTHING in writing. Such as:

D,

My goal is to ensure that you and I are on exactly the same page with regard to matters we have discussed on the phone. Therefore I would like you to respond to this email with your own written response, for purposes of documentation.

1. Sally A. Smith will not be present during any time you and Little One are going to have together, until such time that you and I mutually agree to change this arrangement if necessary and appropriate.

2. We will carefully work together on the parenting plan to ensure that we create something the court will accept, particularly with respect to your substance abuse history and DUI/assault charges. My intention is to ensure that, while the court may consider those as safety concerns, we construct a plan which responsibly addresses both your past, and contingencies with respect to these issues going forward. I appreciate your offer to continue AA and have a record of your attendance, etc.; that may be one good option. I commit to working with you to construct this plan.

3. I will continue to pack your remaining items, including clothing, shoes/shoe racks, toys, and posters, in boxes, with the exception of the items hanging in Little One's closet, which I will leave on the hangers. (Which you can keep, of course.)

4. I will also give you the coffee table in the living room.

5. I believe that you have every intention of keeping Little One safe and maintaining a close relationship with her. Insofar as this is in Little One’s best interest, I will do what I can to help you make that happen.

His response had been, "That all sounds fine." He then went on to clarify what qualified as "substance abuse" and give me a lesson in alcoholism recovery. I won't bore you with it. (I just read it again and my eyes glaze over every time.)

You may notice that the #1 statement, that Sally would steer clear of Little One, wasn't even addressed outright. This was because I had already secured his verbal commitment on this one during a phone conversation. This was also because it wasn't the most important part of the email to him - his drinking/substance abuse was.

Back to the legal research. What it indicated was that I would indeed be able to use emails, such as the exchange above, as a binding contract, should the need arise. In other words, I could threaten to sue him for breach of contract, should he put Sally and Little One together without my knowledge.

That was all I had to make me feel safer in this moment, and so I clung to it. Because I was NOT happy about him going away with her the days before Christmas.

As it turns out, there was someone else who was not entirely happy about it, either: Mr. Anonymous.