21. Writing Unsendable Letters

I had tried. Honestly, I had. I had really, really tried to elevate myself above the negative, to be grateful, to rise above, so to speak. I really had.

But I was in an absolute rage. Seething with bitterness and longing for vengeance. When Little One was around, I felt calmer, more at ease - I looked at her, and I knew why things were already on a good path, a better one for her and for me. I knew that she wouldn't have to grow up watching her mother mistreated by her father. And even among all that suffocating, anxious anger, I used that as my anchor: what had happened was right for her, and therefore, was right for me.

What I did not understand - to this day - was how a woman, namely Sally Bellydancer, could participate in deceiving another woman. Was she dumb? Was she mean? She'd seemed perfectly nice when I had met her. And yet, she had not only married a man who saw fit to reach out and piss off her boyfriend's wife via anonymous email (allegedly), but she had helped that boyfriend to completely dupe his wife into thinking that he was a decent guy, dedicated to family and not to getting laid by a tattoo-covered bellydancer.

So the jury was out. But I wrote her a letter - you know, one of those letters that you never send, you just feel better writing it:

Dear Sally,

You stupid, stupid bitch.

What kind of mother does this to another mother?

What kind of woman does this to another woman?

How could you be so complicit in his lies, his deceptions?

Are you so desperate for affection that you would accept a sub-par human being like D?

Do you understand the fact that he "seems" to know himself so well only gives him license to behave however he wants?

Do you realize you don't know him at all, because he himself has no idea who he really is?

Do you understand the damage YOU have caused to my relationship with him?

Did you really think it was appropriate to come into our house and have intimate relations with him?

How could you participate in the breakup of a family when that family so needed to stick together through a tough time?

How could you do this to a child, to a child's mother?

I hope you suffer and hurt and that, when you wake up to who D is, it's too late for you to leave. I hope you drown in him.

You fucking whore.

Love,
Penelope

So. Yeah, so. I was angry. But it doesn't stop there: I was still angry at D, too, and itching to tell him all about it. For now, precariously perched in that "jolly" time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was content to write him a "never-to-be-sent" letter, too:

Dear D,

I don't care anymore.

There, I said it. I can't and won't care anymore about how you live your life and who you live it with.

I won't try to fix you anymore.

I won't try to prove to you that I'm right.

I only need you to be a good dad. I need and want nothing else from you.

I don't care who you're with or what you're doing with them.

I don't care if you're sick or if you're well - as long as, when you're sick, you're not with Little One. And by sick I mean in every way, shape or form.

I will no longer invest my emotional energy in whether you are unhappy or happy or feeling guilty or sad or angry. I will no longer have my actions be dictated by your anger.

I will no longer harbor any illusions about you and who you really are: You are your mother's son.

I will no longer try to show you that I'm better than you thought I was. You do not deserve the attention.

I won't engage in conversations with you that have nothing to do with Little One or the divorce. I will also try to apply this rule to the many conversations I have with you in my head.

I will treat you civilly and decently, but I will not go out of my way to make you comfortable or happy.

I will no longer hold your happiness above mine.

I will, however, and probably for a long time, wish you complete and utter suffering in your new relationship and throughout the rest of your life. Though someday I hope to be able to retract this statement.

You are worthless. You are scum. You never deserved me and you never will. I will watch you like a hawk with regards to Little One, her safety, and her happiness. And if you are not precisely synced up on those items I will come down on you with the hammer of the law. Repeatedly and with great glee.

Do not piss me off again, joker. You don't know who you're dealing with.

Very sincerely,
Your soon-to-be-ex-wife-and-couldn't-be-happier-about-it,
Penelope