19. There's something good in here. Now where did I put it...

I was struggling for gratitude. Here it was, my first holiday season without my husband in nearly eight years. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that. One the one hand, it seemed awfully freeing. On the other, it was hopelessly tragic.

Maybe it was because Thanksgiving was right around the corner, but I was trying really hard to be grateful for what I had, in the midst of the shock and awe campaign my husband had launched.

I'm a pretty sunny person, most often. I haven't committed any major crimes or sins. I have tried to be good to people, I've tried to be a positive influence on those around me. So it felt all the more incongruous that all of this bullshit had piled up around me.

So I sat down and, through my tears, wrote up a list. I tried to conjure up everything that I could that I was grateful for, and I share it with you now.

I am grateful that I now know the truth.

I am grateful that new beginnings are just around the corner.

I am grateful that my daughter is healthy, happy, loving, and the absolute center of my crazy universe.

I’m grateful for the moments of quietude.

I’m grateful for the moments of toddler craziness.

I’m grateful that I have a nice home and that I’ll be able to continue to provide a safe environment for my daughter.

I’m grateful that I am who I am.

I’m grateful that I have so, so many people in my life who care about me, and I’m grateful to finally know that they are there.

I’m grateful to be rediscovering my self-worth.

I’m grateful that I let myself cry every once in a while, but that I never do it in front of my baby.

I’m grateful for my Roomba.

I’m grateful to be leaving an unhealthy relationship.

I’m grateful that I have my health, even if I could do better to take care of myself.

I’m grateful for my job.

I’m grateful that I want for nothing.

I’m grateful that my parents raised me with a solid sense of propriety, morality, and integrity.

I’m grateful that my daughter will likely spend the majority of the next fifteen and a half years with me.

I’m grateful that I have no plans to get into a relationship with someone else for a long time.

I’m grateful that I’m okay being single for a while.

I’m grateful for my family.

I’m grateful for all my cousins and aunts and uncles and Grandpop.

I’m grateful that my grandmother didn’t have to see me go through this.