Yeah, so...this night, the night before D was going to leave for some fucking bellydancer orgy in Cityville, I was feeling happy that Mr. Bellydancer (alleged) wanted to talk to me and reveal himself. And I was thrilled at the prospect of getting some sense of revenge - even if it was just in my head.
After D brought Little One in, I could tell he was worked up about something. He was doing that chewing-the-inside-of-his-cheek thing which was a direct indicator of shit about to fly. So I waited, patiently, sitting on my couch (throne), as D (my subject) chewed his cheeks and worked up the cojones to say something "important."
(As I look back on this moment now, I know that he was uncomfortable with what he was about to do, on some level, i.e. going away with this married woman while he was still married. Even though she'd filed for divorce a month after I had, it was still just an ugly thing to do, especially the weekend before Christmas. The worse part was, he had voluntarily given up time with his daughter to do it. That part bugged me the most.)
But at this point, I just sat, and waited.
Finally he launched in to some sort of revision of the parenting plan that he wanted - some different hours or nights or weekend days or some such. It was at this point that I realized - quite rightly - that he was baiting me into a confrontation.
So I smiled. I smiled, and it unnerved him. It's actually a good thing that he didn't know me better, because the basis of my smile was this: D, I'm going to fuck you up the ass with your girlfriend's husband. But the end result of unnerving him was to catapult him that much further down the cheek-chewing path to confrontation.
At some point, I came right out and told him that him giving up time with Little One so early into the parenting plan process was not a very good sign for his ability to stick with the parenting plan in the future.
"What, you mean you don't trust me?" he asked. He actually asked that question of me.
I told him I believed he believed he could be a good dad and stick to the plan. "But you think I won’t be able to do it," he stated.
"All I have to base my opinion on is the past. And the present, which hasn’t been so hot, either," I explained.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked. Again, he actually asked that question.
"D, you've had a girlfriend behind my back since September, and that informs my ability to trust you in this moment."
"Well," D fumed, "I don't trust you either. Through our whole marriage, we could talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and nothing would ever change, and you're telling me that the past doesn't matter, and it's just what I recently did that matters."
"Oh no, D," I corrected him. "Our marriage is certainly on the table when I consider how trustworthy you are."
As I delivered this truth, I just smiled, calmly. It was true that our marriage had been full of things that we had both promised each other we would do for each other, and then not done. I would get in shape. He would stop drinking. I would try to keep the house cleaner. He would stop drinking. I would help him find a job. He would stop drinking.
"You're so fucking smug, sitting there on your couch," he replied.
At this moment, it felt great to calmly look him in the eye from my perch, and simply say, "You know what, D? I think I'm done talking for tonight. This conversation isn't going to go anywhere, and we both know that. So why don't you head on out, and we'll see you when you get back."
A few minutes later, with a couple of mea culpas thrown in for good measure (by him, I mean), he slunk out the door.
So – there you have it. The more he pushed me on stuff like this, the more I could see his “tells” – the quicker speech pattern, the tightening of the face, the one foot out the door (literally). And it’s funny how, in being honest with him, he turned it around and made the whole thing into my fault. How often has he done this in our marriage? I had to wonder. But I also finally knew that it was pointless to try and reason with him, that’s for damn sure.
And so – I decided that night that my new goal was to no longer expect, nor need, reason from him. I was astounded by just how wrong he had been, about everything. He really did see things a certain way, and had no ability to reign in his words when his emotions got the better of him.
And ultimately, he just sounded really dumb. And that was not my fault, I knew that much, at least.
Later that night, I was feeling pretty calm. I just didn’t have it in me to get all worked up about this stuff now. There had been so much that had happened, and at this moment in time, I had ALL the paperwork signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered to the courthouse come the first business day in January. For my own emotional growth and well-being, I had no more to gain from being invested in him, or in how he reacted to me or things I said. What’s more, I had nothing to gain from reacting to him with anything other than calm smiles. That apparently made him NUTS! I loved it!
There was one other point that I realized; during the course of this conversation, he only really started to get defensive when I mentioned the girlfriend.
I didn’t expect any sort of mea culpa on this. I should have probably made that my mantra from now on. Throw it out there, just let it be, and then just shrug when he tries to throw it all back at me. And smile.
I felt so, so lucky to be getting out of this marriage! No wonder I had been so unhappy for so long. D was just so out of touch and unhappy and touchy and defensive and selfish and stupid and hurtful and self-righteous.
Two nights before this, I was heartbroken over the fact that he was going away with the bellydancer. Then, I had the email conversation with Anonymous Tipper, with him/her asking me to help them. So tonight, I felt great when he was here, didn’t really care to be offended or anything. Because I kept thinking, I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU.
Even if I didn't end up actually doing it still felt good at that moment to think that I might.
Oh, and one more thing.
I had purposely left out the new Tiger Woods scandal-laden People magazine cover on the coffee table, directly in D's line of sight. (This was the one for Dec. 21, 2009, and the headline was INSIDE HER ORDEAL: More cheating revealed, etc.) And while he and I were talking about something else, he rearranged two DVDs on the table to cover up the magazine. I suspect that he didn't even know he was doing it.
Like so much in his existence, D had absolutely no idea what he was doing.
I felt exhilarated with this new knowledge until I realized one terrible truth:
This man was still my Little One's father, and I would have to figure out how to protect her from him.
Well, so that would have to come next, in the form of the extremely strict parenting plan.
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