While my flagrant attempt at husband provocation via Facebook had largely fallen flat, it did give me a unique opportunity to completely and totally blindside him during our talk that evening.
I had arranged for D to come over. I was also petrified of actually, really provoking him into some sort of altercation. (See post lucky 13.) Granted, he was stone-cold sober - he had been since that night, because a judge told him he'd better be, or he was going to jail - but I had reason to worry. This was not a predictable person coming over, this was D, lord of the fake Facebook account and bellydancer seduction. I was going to be on my guard.
And so I made sure I had company in the house, inviting one of D's own family members to come over and play with Little One upstairs while D and I could talk downstairs. In fact, I didn't exactly invite; they offered to come over when they heard what had been transpiring and what I needed to talk to D about. So any concerns I might have had about "They're D's blood relatives, so they're going to support him" largely went out the window.
D arrived round 6:30. D's family member had just arrived as well, and said a cursory hello to D before getting Little One upstairs to her room to play. D looked wary, but only because he didn't understand why his family member was there.
I sat down on the couch, D perching (voluntarily) on one of Little One's toddler stools. (If that isn't just a great visual, I thought.)
"So, thanks for coming over to talk," I said. D was cordial enough, exchanging pleasantries. He had moved out about 2 weeks prior to this, so he still had some things in the house to remove. We chatted about that for the moment.
I had notes in front of me. Earlier that day, my therapist (God bless that man) and I had created the Talking Points, which I should fall back to if the conversation got off course. And with D, it was going to go off course, that was for sure:
1. You lied to me over and over again.
2. You were dishonest with me when it mattered most to our marriage and our family.
3. I no longer trust you.
I had these scribbles on a piece of yellow lined paper in front of me as D and I exchanged the pleasantries. Then I began what I really wanted to talk about.
"D, I want to thank you," I said, as sincerely as I'm able. "I know the last few months have been hard, and I really appreciate that you and I have been able to be mature, and honest, and have really tried to work through these months together, to maintain our relationship and our family."
"Thanks," he said, looking slightly soothed and yet perplexed, too. "Me too."
"Great," I said. "Which is why I'd like to spend some time now talking to you about Don Jeremy."
I watched the color drain quickly from his face. To his credit, his facial expression barely changed at first. Then it hardened. "Okay," he said, starting down the road to Defensiveland.
"This conversation is, ostensibly," I said [I pull out my big SAT words when really, really pissed] "a discussion about that fake Facebook account, and what you've been using it for."
Crickets. But he was trapped and he knew it. I could see him starting to chew on the inside of his lip, a sure signal that he was churning inside.
I continued: "Do you happen to remember the conversation that we had, a few days after deciding to divorce, that we would not date anyone else while you were still living here, and that we were dedicated to helping each other through this tough time?"
More crickets. I think he might have nodded.
"So, against that backdrop," I said, "you can imagine my surprise here. It has come to my attention that you've been having a relationship with Sally for several months now. Rather openly, as it turns out."
"What do you mean, openly?" He countered. He was about to go into conflict mode - where I had much less stable footing, simply because it intimidated me - and I had to shut it down, fast. At least he hadn't tried to deny that he wasn't Don Jeremy - somewhere he must have remembered what his profile picture was. Dumb ass.
"I mean that I now have pages worth of screen shots of your relationship with Sally, as played out on Facebook, including pictures, love notes, and dates, and that this evidence conclusively illustrates that the two of you have been having a relationship behind my back. For months now. I don't know how I'm going to use this information yet, but I wanted you to know that I'm compiling it. You have been lying to me for months, D. And what's worse, I had to find this out from some anonymous emailer."
This took him off guard. "What? Who? What do you mean?"
I breathed deeply, and collected my thoughts. (Yay, I thought, I'm collecting my thoughts!) "I mean that, in mid-September - which is right around the time that I was in Florida - someone took it upon themselves to email me, from an anonymous email account, that my husband was having an affair. Any idea who that might be?"
"That's ridiculous. Who would do that? None of my friends would do that. No one who knew -"
"I don't know," I answered. I was thrilled that I had riled him, but very, very glad that his (rather tall and strong) family member was upstairs in case he was needed. "Whoever this person is, for what it’s worth, felt that your behavior with Sally in mid-September among friends was already so public and so indiscreet, they found it unkind and felt I had a right to know."
"Well, it wasn’t public." Haggle, haggle. That's the D way.
"Whatever. Unfortunately, I have to draw a boundary around my life now, one that I had hoped that you would be a bigger part of. That’s no longer going to happen, so what we need to figure out is – and the parenting plan seminar will help me figure this out a little tomorrow – is what’s in Little One’s best interest going forward. And at this point, I am going to investigate ALL possibilities as to what is in her best interest."
Sitting on that little chair, I almost - almost - felt sorry for him. "What. Meaning? Meaning, keeping me from seeing her?"
"No, not at all, that’s not what I mean at all. I would only do that if it were in Little One's best interest. It does, however, mean that there will have to be considerations about whether she’s going to spend time with Sally when you are with her. If that’s already happened, well, nothing I can do about that now, other than to reinforce the fact that that was something you should never have done behind my back, use our child that way. I’m assuming it’s hasn’t, I’d like to think that it hasn’t, I’d like to think that you’re not that guy."
"What do you mean, use our child that way?" Yes, D, semantics. Exactly what you should be concerned with right now. Good job.
I continued, "I would prefer to think that you would separate your current personal situation with Sally from our family situation, which has been difficult enough for everyone involved. Now, the fact that you went to such great lengths to hide your relationship with Sally from me makes me wonder what else I don’t know. Natural human instinct. So in light of the fact that I would like to minimize my time spent with you, I would prefer that we figure out another couple of times when we can help you move your stuff, whatever else you want to take, um and we can arrange that once you get back from your trip to visit your family. [Upcoming - he was going to the south to visit his immediate relatives for Thanksgiving.] And that’s why I would also like for you to think about how much time you want to spend with our kid, because you do have this other person in your life, what the interaction between that person and our daughter is going to be, if any, because I want that to be very clearly delineated going forward." I paused.
I was really, really surprised to hear myself say these things, to sound so sure of myself. I had never really had that in our marriage. All it took was a bellydancer to push it out of me, I guess. "I would like you to start being honest with me now. And I have no intention of keeping Little One from you. I have no intention of using our child as a pawn, no matter how I feel. That would simply be the wrong thing to do, and it’s well below what I would ever consider to do, even to you." Here, I have to admit, I paused for dramatic effect. He was processing everything I had said, figuring out his next maneuver. I could see the gears turning behind those scared eyes. He was cornered, and he was going to have to try and figure out a way out. We were both silent for nearly a minute.
I've never really enjoyed silence during arguments, however, so I started again.
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